i didn't want to leave like that.

but it happened. i got the worst phone call you can receive whilst thousands of miles away from your family... sure, she wasn't my biological mother, but she did raise me during the most significant period in my life... and the worst part of it all, i can't remember the last time i spoke to her. i don't know how reads this still, but i want you to promise me (or yourself), that as soon as you finish reading this insane ramble of mine, you will call your mother and talk to her or go see her.. the same goes for your father and the rest of your family. i don't have many friends because i don't need them, i have plenty of family members to fill most of the empty spaces inside of me.


i don't know how you deal with grief.. some  people buy dogs (hi jess!).. i don't... deal that is. i don't talk about it.. i choose to ignore it. so don't bother trying.


i was scared that nothing had changed while i was gone. i was looking for some external change. i don't know what. but then  i realized that something had changed: me. I am a SNOB. A total, and complete s-n-o-b. AND I DON'T CARE.

Also, those of you coming back to the states, let someone accompany you to the airport because DAYUM. It's not easy going up and down escalators with suitcases. Also, feel free to tell the person at the guichet at whatever metro station you're in to 'Go to Hell'.. I did, and it feels good.

Finally, take it easy when driving. It's been a while for some of you and you might find yourself speeding.. or a cop might find you speeding.. and then you'll have a speeding ticket to deal with.. i know i do.

So, that's it.. this is the end of this blog. I may start a new one, but honestly, I really don't want to.

So first of all, I'd like to address the Marilyn Monroe sex tape. I don't get why someone would buy it and then announce they weren't going to show it to the world because they wanted to respect her. Ok, seriously, if you wanted to respect her you wouldn't say anything to begin with. Put up or shut up.

We went to see 2 chateaus (is that the plural for chateau in english?) this weekend: Villandry and Chenonceau both in the Loire Valley. They were cool but I always feel weird going into someone's old home and looking at their furniture. Sara and I went on an adventure in the forest. We had lunch at the top of this... hill i guess. A deer scared us shitless by darting out of the trees and running past us. We finished our lunches and started to go down to look at the gardens. The problem was that we decided to go straight down the hill instead of going back up to the trail We pretty much just slid down this damn thing and had to jump over some bushes to get out of there. It was fun. It was really nice to get out and breathe in some fresh air. At Chenonceau I had alcohol for pretty much the first time since about 2 weeks before I got my tongue pierced. I was fairly trashed for a good 30 minutes during which I chased a cute pair of ducks.

I've seen some movies since my last movie post. Don't ever watch Taken of Vantage Point. It'll make you want to stab something. There Will Be Blood was great. It made me determine that Daniel Day-Lewis has lost his mind or is a brilliant actor. The Darjeeling Limited made feel all warm inside. It was a very well made, good movie.  It made me feel the same way  I did after  I watched  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which is good because that is one of my favorite movies. I have 3 movies tied at the number one spot on the list of my favorite movies of all-time: Eternal Sunshine, Fight Club and Velvet Goldmine. Those are followed by: Back to the Future, Little Miss Sunshine, No Country for Old Men, La Cage aux Folles, Chaplin, Philidelphia, Modern Times, Hot Fuzz and The Seven Year Itch. Don't ask me to put those in order from 2 to 10 because we simply don't have that kind of time.

I've decided that even though I have zero skills as a camera person, i will make a video documenting my favorite places in Paris. Be prepared for a shitty video with a lot of heart.

I have a lot of shit to do when I get home. I have to find a place to live, I have to find a job, I have to buy clothes that fit, I have to not shoot myself, I have to fight the urge to crash my car into a wall, I have to do really well in school and I have to not be sad about leaving Paris.

I have been seriously dreading this post. Mainly because I think it means nothing and it's nothing I am particularly proud of. Anyway, since September of 2006 I have lost 60 pounds. The reason this means nothing to me and so on is because I don't see it. And, honestly, I don't think it's something people should gloat about because a 60 pound weight loss when you weigh over 200 pounds is absolutely meaningless. Since I've been in Paris, I've gone from a 44C to a 38C and I'm down about 2 pant sizes. But I don't see it. I can feel it and notice it as my pants fall off my ass but whatever. I have no specific goals except for these: 1. I'd like for my chest to stick out further than my gut 2. I'd like to be able to see my shoes when I look straight down 3. I'd like to have some space between my thighs. Thats really it. </nonsense>


PS. omg, that pregnant man! how awesome is he? answer: so awesome!

i couldn't sleep so i updated my livejournal layout.. i suspect an awful month ahead of me..

i had an EPITECH class today and around the 400th stair, climbing up the Eiffel Tower, I decided I would update my blog today.

I've been wanting to get my tongue pierced since I was about 8 years old. And I finally did it. And it hurt like hell. I lost my breath and I think the piercer thought I was having a heart attack. The only other time a body modification hurt, and worse, was the last time I stretched my ear holes. I just remember everything going black, and coming to when my hands hit the sink in front of me (which is why I stopped stretching those bastards). There will be no picture taking of this, because it just seems weird to do that.

I probably won't be working at EPITECH after this month, because it's just too exhausting. But, climbing the Eiffel Tower was fun, minus the asthma attack. It's been so windy here; I've never experience wind/weather like this. The weird thing is that it's not really that cold. It hasn't gotten below 40 degrees lately.

I've been having dreams about being home. In Porterville. Not of going home, but of actually being home. The last one I can remember, I was driving and I drove by a gas station that read: UNLEADED $2.12. And the sign was red, so I guess I dream in color... or at least in red.

Movies I've seen since Christmas (that I can remember, because my memory sucks)
Juno: I loved this movie. Maybe it's because I've known so many smart-ass, teenage mothers in my life (Hi Je!). Sure, the music got a bit tedious and the dialog was quite... diablo cody. But I distinctly remember saying 'Home skillet' in high school.. so, buh.

No Country for Old Men: Brilliant. Brilliant. I loved it. Javier Bardem is so damn creepy. And Tommy Lee Jones has redeemed himself from Men in Black (I liked the second one, sue me).

Dan in Real Life: Predictable, but sweet. And it made me think that Dane Cook might not be a complete wast of space/life/energy. Steve Carell is great:

27 Dresses: Again, predictable. But that last shot really made me laugh.

Lars and the Real Girl: The website where Lars gets the girl actually exists and it scares me a little. But, this movie was really good. I got teary-eyed at the end.

Paris: It's a French movie, so of course it's good :P. I liked Paris, Je t'aime but this one was only slightly less depressing.

Be Kind Rewind: Way weird and definitely not 'laugh-out-loud' funny, but funny and charming nonetheless. It completely won me over.

Into the Wild: Depressing. It was really similar to the french movie, 'Sans Toit ni Loi' (which I loved), but obviously, based on a true story.

That movie Elaine showed us about a party at SF State: EPIC

People think you can get a broken heart from being dumped by the love of your life, but I think my heart has been broken since my mother died. i really have a hard time being happy. i laugh at stuff that's amusing, and i enjoy certain things but true happiness just doesn't exist in my life.

my job is starting to bore me. i always feel badly about interrupting my students with my stupid questions when they're discussing modems and photoshop. but when i do get time to ask them a question they give me a simple answer and go on with their conversations.

this post had no point.. i'm going to watch brokeback mountain now.

Edited at 439am

I hate vomiting. I doubt that anyone actually likes it, but I hate it more than anything. I'll do anything to avoid it but there are times, like now, when I don't have alka-setzer to calm my stomach. so, i just vomited everything i consumed in the last 6 hours. I turn into the biggest baby whenever i get sick, which is why i try to be careful and stay healthy. I hope this was a 1 time thing because i can't handle vomiting like that again..again, no point to this

Everyone thinks their life is worth being made into a movie.

I’ve fallen in love with a slightly older British show called ‘Spaced’ which is about these 20-somethings trying to move into adulthood but failing horribly at it. There are a lot of pop culture references in it and at first it was a bit annoying but then I realized that it worked because people that age, for the most part, think their life is really interesting, and worthy of being a movie but honestly, if you were to make a movie out of most of our lives it would be incredibly boring or 85% fiction. Anyway, enough of my nonsense rambling…

I had 3 EPITECH classes this week. The first was a class I called ‘Cars’ and pretty much all we did was go to the Champs-Elysees to look at cars. As boring as that sounds, it really wasn’t. I fell in love with a 285,000 euro car =/. The second class was ‘Weird News’ which can only be described as a complete disaster. We finished the articles way too soon because no one had anything to say about them. I think the English was much too advanced for most of the class. The last class was a ‘Free Museum’ class and we went to the Louvre. I told my class to pretend like I was a complete idiot who knew nothing about the art and to explain it to me and it actually worked. We got to a painting of Joan of Arc and one of the students was explaining her to me and she said “Jeanne d’Arc was burned because she was a bitch… I mean.. a WITCH!” I told her I would never forget her saying that, and I probably won’t. I had a lot of fun at the Louvre. I got to see a Mummy and it was so weird. I have high hopes for my future classes.

I haven't posted in AGES. I've had limited internet access and it's a total pain trying to get on and get shit done. I wish I could go on about all the exciting stuff that has happened since I last updated, but unfortunately, I am extremely boring. I finished all of my classes on a kind of 'blergh' note. I'm sure it won't matter much in the end... I saw one of my Profs today and he spoke to me in a way that suggested that I hadn't completely let him down.. I also go a job teaching English, which, thus far, has been quite an interesting experience. We took our classes out to a bar last night to watch the Super bowl, I had a lot of great drinks and only got sexually harassed once. Not bad for a late night. I made it home at around 7 am and I had to be up by 12pm so I could register for classes. I still have to go back and add some more classes but that can wait for now. I guess that's all for now..

"You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better."

I watched a movie I hadn't seen in a really long time and I figured something out. The movie is 'Drop Dead Fred' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101775/), a kinda terrible early 90s movie that I totally loved as a kid... but anyway, on to what I figured out. Half way through the film I realized that my obsession for googly-eyed British men (ex: eddie izzard, simon pegg, hugh laurie, damian lewis..) came from Drop Dead Fred because the actor who plays him is a googly-eyed British man. Strange, to say the least. Also, I don't think I've seen this movie since.. 1993, maybe, but I can quote it verbatim. I think I need a life..

"I don't love you because love is for girls and girls are dis-gus-ting!"